emma sumrell

By: Emma Sumrell

in the vast ocean of reality television, Bravo has carved out its own niche, offering a smorgasbord of guilty pleasures to keep viewers hooked season after season. one such gem is “Summer House”- a show that has become synonymous with drama, and escapism. now that summer is fast approaching and it’s already June TOMORROW, it’s the perfect time to dissect the allure of this latest season of Summer House.

below, please my find my review of the most recent season (specifically the finale) of Summer House that absolutely no one asked for. this season brought more drama than a seagull fight over fallen hot dogs and i truly could not be happier about it. nothing brings me more joy than watching beautiful people scream at each other in the Hamptons. 

now, obviously the major plot of this season is the carl and lindsay saga. but first, can we talk about kyle and amanda? i cannot figure these two out. their relationship feels like a real life soap opera. they fight, they make up, they fight, they make up. and then amanda waltzes into danielle’s apartment and has the audacity to give relationship advice and tell lindsay that her and carl fight A lOttTTT. GIVE ME A BREAK. the girl was just broken up with 48 hours ago so do you think you can keep it to yourself?? not to mention absolutely no one should be taking relationship advice from her but, i digress. will kyle and amanda actually sort out their marital issues or spend the next 50 years making HR complaints about each other and fighting over custody of their dog, carl?

the only saving grace for kyle this season was a quick 20 second snippet of him in the FINALE. and it was of him pretending to clean during the carl and lindsay fight. 8 years i’ve never seen that man clean a damn thing in the house but when there’s tea? he’s right there with his eyeliner on from the night before. we’d all do the same. 

and carl, JAIL. JAIL for this man. you cannot convince me that he did not plot and plan his breakup of lindsay LONG before actually doing it. he was honest about his feelings with quite literally everyone, except her. carl wants soft and tenderness? is he for real? homeboy needs to go watch SH seasons 1-3 (i.e. lindsay and everett) and then go back and tell her he wants soft and tenderness. ICK. 

lindsay did a lot of growing up this season. i think she was checked out long before the breakup happened and that’s why she was able to compose herself and not become “activated”. this girl dodged a bullet. big time. all lindsay was doing was asking questions about her future husbands job search after he’s been unemployed for 10 months. he left his job because of a toxic work environment and he couldn’t POSSIBLY keep working for his friend. then he wants to go back to it? obviously she’s going to have questions. and i’m sorry the girl is a nut job but she knows what she’s doing. she bought a house in nashville and calls it “hubb house” talk about a gold mine. brilliant. if nothing else, please look at carl’s fashion choice for the reunion (specifically his shoes). lindsay, he did you a favor. 

to the newbies- jesse & west are fabulous additions. finally men that join the share house and don’t refuse to stay up past 9pm and wake up at the ass crack of dawn to chomp on some turkey roll ups and go for a work out. they’re young, they’re fun, they’re personable. ~jesse & west 4ever~

ciara deserves the world. frankly, after the shitstorm that was ciara and austen, i’m shocked ciara even came back. bravo should be thanking her. next, paige. paige is hysterical. she’s reality tv gold. i don’t care if her and craig ever get married. the two of them together are so entertaining and paige’s one liners keep Summer House afloat. 

i’m not going to dwell on danielle because i don’t feel like calling my doctor for hive medication today so i’m going to skip right on over to gabby. gabby deserves so much more air time it’s absurd. to the bravo producers- please give this girl a storyline that’s more interesting than danielle stealing her man. gabby is arguably the best cast.

as the sun sets on this season of Summer House, one thing is for sure, the drama, the laughs & the endless supply of loverboy’s will be missed. i cannot wait to see what next season brings. if it doesn’t begin with carl walking through the front door with his tail between his legs to the backtrack of lindsay screaming “HOW MANY SANDWICHES HAVE YOU MADE FOR ME” then i don’t want it. 

if you’ve made it this far, thank you. and if you’re execs at bravo, please don’t sue me. it’s all in good fun. cheers!